Too tired to explain the history of my body but long story short, I have TMJ and knee pain from the stress of manual labor and busting myself through grad school while working full time, commuting, doing physical therapy twice a week plus gym 4 times a week and I have severe chronic insomnia from… idk, been 2 years now since i’ve slept an entire week in a row and my doctors just tell me to "work out until your exagusted like really tired yoo.

As if I haven’t maintained my 3-4 day a week workout schedule or that trying to do that renders me semi-immobile for 2-4 days because my muscles can’t heal and then i’m both sleep deprived AND in immense physical pain.

I fucking hate doctors, We make it not only so disabled people can’t practice medicine but even able bodied people can’t do it. You have to be an ubermensch from a rich family and it produces a system of people who are constitutionally incapable of imagine a person having a health problem that comes from anything other than a moral failing.

Today was my birthday weekend. Because my immune system was shoot from a particularly bad insomniac boat this week I failed to go to the gym and failed to avoid being sedentary for 4 days in a row. As a result when I went to the city today my bad knee put me in cripling full body pain to the point where I was holding back tears, having small hallucinations (nothing super crazy just having my field of vision being manipulated and seeing things move that were still) and almost fainting at like 2-3 points.

So that basically ruined the whole day for me and I came back dead tired. Wanted to go to the emergency room but I know for a fact that if you can still walk and perform basic motor function that doctors will refuse to give you muscle relaxers. Wanted to go home and relax but I knew I had to do a bunch of stretches or else risk waking up immobile and having to call the hospital anyway.

On top of that a DSA comrade called me out of the blue asking me to explain why my legal name on my venmo is different than the name I go by. In zoom calls I try to specify that I go by (they/them) and I don’t really try to explain that I want to transition but want to be more economically stable first because I have a right-wing family so I’d rather just go by something that isnt my dead name in queer and political spaces. So I’m going to have to explain my gender over text or else he’s gonna get sus. The thing is that he’s a very good comrade and theres a chance he’ll understand but ***I just really, really don’t want to fucking bother with this when a few hours ago it felt like every tendon was trying to pull my body apart from the inside like one of those mediaeval executions where your limbs are tied to horses going in opposite directions but coming from inside your body instead.

I’ll admit that I can’t really imagine anyone can provide anything really productive here, just wanted to get it off my chest and vent.